A relationship is always great at the beginning, but then things tend to get more difficult as you get to know each other better. Unless the relationship is very strong break ups do happen. It’s painful and it doesn’t matter that you have gone through a split before, the pain is still there.
Getting over your ex can be difficult, but what if you don’t want to? What if the big question in your mind is not how you will forget your ex and move on but “How do I get my ex back”.
First, you should ask yourself if you’re actually lucky to be out of this relationship. Was your ex physically or verbally abusive? Did having this person in your life make everything worse? If that’s how it was you should count yourself lucky it’s over, no matter how much you still love him or her.
If that’s not the case, it’s easy to guess how you got to where you are now. When you first met this person, your time together was all you could think about. You were on your best behavior, and you wanted to make a great impression every time out. Everything the other person did was interesting and charming.
When you became comfortable with each other you started paying more attention to the negative sides of each other. Suddenly, things you never noticed before, or maybe even liked, started to drive you a little crazy. This is when the problems really start. Often a specific life event for one of you adds enough stress that it really tests the relationship. Keeping things positive instead of being frustrated with each other suddenly becomes a great deal of work. You stop repairing the cracks, and pretty soon the whole thing comes apart. However, just as familiarity breeds contempt, absence makes the heart grow fond, right? So now you want to rebuild what you never should have destroyed. So let’s look at what you’re going to have to do.
Step One: Say You’re Sorry
This isn’t just the first piece of advice, it’s the best piece. You need to tell your ex specifically what you did wrong, and let them know you feel bad about it. Don’t blame yourself for everything, or say things you don’t believe. Don’t ask him or her to take pity on you. Take some time to consider what you did to make the breakup happen and apologize for it. Don’t, under any circumstances, let this become the blame game. Don’t get into an argument. When the two of you start discussing who did what wrong, it’s easy to start the same old fight right back up again. But stay calm and keep your pride in check. This is no time to you’re your ego. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? Keep the conversation focused on the things you were responsible, and bravely take responsibility for them.
Step Two: Discuss it
You’re never going to get your problems resolved until the two of you can agree on what they are. Try to get your ex to meet to talk. Don’t beg for this meeting, or trick them, or get them to do it out of pity. If they won’t meet, it’s time to move to step three. If you do get them to meet, keep calm and push that pride down. Be emotionally generous. Try to start all your sentences with “I” and not “you.” You want this to be about everything but assigning blame. You may want to even do with this with a relationship counselor present, if you think your ex would go for it.
Step Three: Leave Them Be. Really!
Giving them space is going to help in getting back together? Yes. You may be desperate to get back together, but your ex may not be. Depending on how and why you broke up, your ex may not even accept your calls. If that’s the case, give it time. If this is really going to work you’ll need patience. While time may let the anger fade, the positive emotions they had will fade more slowly. At some point, they’ll be ready to talk, even if both negative and positive passions have cooled. It’s more important to be rid of the negative. If you’re lucky, though, your ex will start to miss you.
Step Four: Be A Person Worth Loving
If you want someone to love, you have to be someone to love. Don’t turn desperate or whiny. Would you want to be with someone like that? Engage in the kinds of activities you did before you met your ex. Or the kinds of activities you always wanted to. Go out with friends and pursue your interests. Get involved in things. Hit the gym. Take some courses. Become a more interesting, healthy person.
And here’s one last tip. You want to be out a lot so that you’re not waiting around doing nothing if your ex does call. If you are there, you still should let it go to voicemail. When you do talk, you want to be calm and collected and have something good to talk about. You don’t want to set up a whole fake life, but you do want them to remember what it was like to have fun with you.
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